Pressure

It is only August and yet I am already stressed. Thesis pressure, term paper pressure, LAE pressure, ranking pressure, prelim pressure.

It has been very stressful since I last posted here.

I am definitely hating FJ every single moment. She is really biased. Her apple of the eye is definitely MK an BA. Also AD. I really am getting depressed every time she puts them in the limelight. This is a great challenge to me. I have to prove her wrong. Not just wrong. Very very wrong. She'll regret every single moment she pulled me down and brought them up instead. She'll see.

Thesis has progressed although I definitely am still confused and lost. We are like looking for a strand of hair in the darkness. FJ is definitely a bad guide. Every time I sense the strand of hair getting nearer, she kept on blowing it up to nothingness.

We finally landed on a thesis topic. Our focus or angle is still flexible. Our framework is still debatable. Our objectives are still tentative. While our methodology is still blank. I hate looking in the darkness. God please help me.

AD is starting to get difficult to work with. I am also disappointed every time she joins the bullygroup. I somehow hate the idea that she is going up while I'm going down.

The Theo groupings definitely stab my heart. Why only the bullygroup wins?!? Grrr. I hate it.

I am so disappointed with what happened in my prelims. I just hope my professors would be considerate enough in grading my paper. I just hope that I somehow made something to boost me up at least a bit higher than MK and BA. I hope I can accept the results well.

My father has been giving me driving lessons for the past weekends. I am definitely learning, while being disappointed that the driving school never taught me a lot of things. I am also happy that I finally got my license (at least even though I am not really good at it yet). Haha due to connections. I took the test and after a while, finally got it. Thanks to the free day/no class declaration (intended for first time voters registration).

We watched the Wanders last August 11 and I am very impressed and delighted to have been granted such privilege to watch it (and free) because of my father. I just hope there will be more shows and more opportunities to watch. I hope to watch more musicals and hopefully, broadway shows like Miss Saigon. I remember my depression and hatred due to having not watched Les Miserables when we were in New York.

Anyway, I ran for office last July, spent some money, and spoke in front of many. I lost anyway. Just by 12 votes. I am happy that I got 111 votes. Haha I actually convinced 110 people due to my so far nice credentials. I actually almost won. Haha. Too bad. Nevertheless, I am very happy I lost because I actually prayed for it. I don't want additional unnecessary responsibilities that would just be a conflict or hindrance to my academic standing. Especially thesis. But still, I regret losing because I am in fact envious of the positions held by MK and BA. I definitely hate the idea that while they are gaining against me already in terms of grades, they actually have more edge over me because they have officer positions. I am really disappointed.

As with the thesis and term paper, I am definitely even more discouraged especially when I see them progressing fast. In contrast, I am definitely sliding back every time.

What is happening to the competitive, brilliant, outstanding, intelligent, smart me? What happened to the top 1? What happened? Oh God I miss my old self. I want my intelligent top student self again. I really need it this time. I want to prove FJ, NAW, MJA, and PE wrong! I want them to finally see my light. A light brighter than MK and BA!

I am dreaming of vx once again. I have this craving to be a virtuoso once again. Too bad what happened on the last episode was quite disappointing. I just wish to get back on it again. I want to perform and impress people. Passion Cachee inspires me.

So far, I have been depressed because it seems that I can't do anything great, impressive, or right anymore. Where is the old me? I miss my old me. I want my old me back. I want to rise up like the resurrected phoenix. I want my old me back. I want it even better.

We had our retreat also last July and it did me no good at all. I felt so friendless and stupid. So depressing.

For the past week, I was definitely grateful because God has given us a break. No classes for 4 days. Wohoo!

Anyway, I hate pldt because we keep on losing our dsl. Goodness gracious.

My hair is getting longer in preparation for grad pic. But I am also getting fatter. My pimples are going back again. About the gradpic I am still out of ideas about my creative shot. Only vx comes to my mind, but I am starting to hesitate because I am not the only one who play vx. I want to be slim badly. Somehow belly dance failed me. Tea is not yet working but I am still hoping it will eventually work. I want to slim down before gradpic taking.

For church ushering ministry, they tasked me to make bookmarks. It was a pleasure serving, although it is starting to be irritating because of the installment method.

A few days from now, I will be starting to attend the review for LAE. I am definitely getting nervous because I am so lost at Math. I am also nervous about the exam because the results might not be pleasant again just like what happened to me 4 years ago in UPCAT. Also in ACET. I am fearing of failing to make my parents proud. What will I do if I did not pass LAE for UP or ALS? Will I still pursue it in SBC or UST or FEU? Will I take it again the following year? Or will I start looking for a good job that would not hurt my pride? What would happen to me after graduation? I want to pass LAE! I want to pass the bar (on 1st take). I want to be a great lawyer. I want to be rich. I'll take FSO and pass it. I want to be a diplomat. I want to be a lawyer and diplomat. I want to be rich and successful.

Now speaking of graduation, it makes me depressed again because I am still at the thesis stage. How I wish I can fast forward time so I can already graduate.

CL - my only chance. I want it. I should get it. Help me God.
AA - my dream. I want it. Please God I want it badly. Give it to me.

Pressure, stress, depression.

I want my old genius, intelligent me.

So help me God.