And so the race is on...

The pressure of school life looms once again. This time, it is quite different because I feel that it is a greater pressure than I have ever encountered before. After graduating in college, here am I once again, a first year student. This time a law student. A student of a professional school. Very adult and very sophisticated to hear. (Though I still worry about the possible situations of class suspensions due to storm because CHED doesn't usually declare anything for law students/professional school). I still can't believe that I am already in this stage. I can still remember all the long and slow days of elementary and high school. Now, I am in law school. It is just like a dream. It seems so fast. I feel old. Haha.

After attending the OrSem, reality bit me hard last Friday when I realized how long and many were the cases that we were required to read. I felt weak and scared. Suddenly, the determined me, started to think about such shaky thoughts of fear, reluctance, and uncertainty. That night, instead of starting to read, I kept on trying to organize the cases which I planned to print regardless of the ink and paper required. The following day I had to request for the assistance of my father regarding the photocopied materials. Time, energy, and money. Truly spent, and somehow quite wasted on a stressful Saturday. I stopped printing, and gave up on it. The readings are still not complete because of some anomalies. Instead of stressing out because of the cases to read, I was stressed out because of some unavailabilities and wasted time. The day ended without me starting at all. Sunday came and I still went to church to ask for guidance and blessing. I had to. Even if it meant some time wasted. Then I found myself cramming. Everything was almost complete already, and the only thing missing was a prepared and knowledgeable me. I realized how much time I have definitely wasted because of worrying and because of stressing out. Lesson learned.

Another stressful element was the parasitic entity which I have no choice but to coexist with. I started to give hints that I was tired of being a source of a parasitic entity. I have to be civil, strict, and strong as much as possible. I am a type of person who likes to be pulled up and hates being dragged down because of a burdensome entity I have to coexist with. In the end, because of personality clash, perhaps the possibility of the both of us collapsing is increasing every moment. Such a messy, clumsy, careless, talkative, and even disrespectful entity. Somehow I get the feeling about how she looks down on me. Well the feeling's mutual, because honestly I am looking down at all people. So I had to be firm and selfish once in a while. I can't always consent to such a parasitic activity. It is so not me to tolerate such. I feel both guilty and selfish. But I still believe I have to do it by myself and not risk being dragged down by others. I have to pull up myself, possibly ask help from better people, and not dragged down by such a parasite. Thanks to the Great person in my right who always helped me. However, somehow, I feel so below others. I have to pull myself up and prove myself once again. I can't afford to mess up.

The entire week was so tiring for me. I had to read long cases, many cases, in a short time. Before I knew it, it was time to eat, and before I knew it, it was time to go to school. Then I have to tolerate all the annoying questions of the parasite. I always wanted a peaceful life especially on my way to school or on my way home. But I end up being obligated to speak to such an annoying entity. Forgive me God for this thought and feeling. But I really feel so burdened that I cannot concentrate on bringing myself up anymore because I have something pulling my leg down. Somehow I am delighted to learn about the transfer. This would definitely put some end to my suffering. I had to tolerate one week of a burdensome annoyance, and a week of academic pressure regarding recitations. I failed twice. Then I am totally unsure about my written exam. How depressing. I feel challenged and pressured, that I can feel that all of them seem to be excelling except me. Here I am just simply hoping to pass. This is so not me. I am supposed to hope to be the top student and not merely to pass. My fear has come. I have this pressured feeling of not being able to keep up with others. Many of them I suppose were and are achievers, like my new twilight friend. I feel so challenged to beat them all, especially her. After reading her musings, I find her very airy beyond that simple and sweet image. In the end, I have resolved that she is definitely a rival whom I have to beat. In fact I find everyone a rival. I feel their air. All of them have their own weapons of their own. Beyond those deceiving "humble" responses and smiles are very dangerous minds that I have to fight with. I always thought I can keep up with the brain if I can't keep up with the mouth. In the end, I was a weakling for both. A sad realization. But indeed a challenge for me. I really do have to keep up no matter what. I have to excel as what I have done in the past (like my 1st year college). I am after all a Quezonian. Because excellence is my middlename. My life is about hope, love, and excellence. I have the ability to tap that power within me once again. I just need a little time to find the trigger so I can fire away. I have to do this alone. I am, after all, as what some say, the silent fighter. Like a phoenix, I will be born once again from a perilous death. And from such resurrection springs a brighter light of hope that is absolutely greater and more powerful than the previous life. This is my dispositive portion. I hereby grant and affirm it. So ordered. Aja! Ganbarimasu!

P.S. After all those cases which I still failed to complete to read and after studying some of them, I am already starting to unconsciously include some of my learnings in my everyday life thinking.

P.P.S. I am relieved that somehow I was given another time to relax and continue my fangirling and netsurfing routines after such a long and difficult week. I actually feel that I was gone for months. Weird feeling. Somehow I really feel how long it was because it was also difficult. Oh God, please help me pass that subject! Onegaishimasu!

P.P.P.S. And so it begins. The battle is on. I have to do my best.

An Ending and a New Beginning

It has been 4 months since I posted here. I've always wanted to post sooner. But I always get pinned down by my other activities. Nevertheless, I will try my best to recall the highlights of my life after my last post.

The new year came and I was still anxious about my status as a student running for honors. I have been depressed by the cramming incident from TSE book report. I kept on hoping for a new opportunity to come in order to make it up from that incident. I kept on hoping, I felt guilty, and in the end I never really got to have any opportunity to prove myself. Then I told myself to just work hard on other subjects, focus on my thesis, etc. Another thing that even made me feel down was the release of the lae results. Although at the back of my mind I really thought that I don't have the chance to make it, another part of me felt sad and worried why I can't ever get in. Since I was a child I always thought I would study in that institution. When I did not make it to that institution in college, I told myself that I can always enter in that institution when I will take up my graduate studies. But then reality hit me hard once again. I felt like a blacklisted applicant. Since then I told myself to root for my second choice. I asked my IL prof and MsB to do my recommendations. I kept on visiting the website and always wishing to make it there. I did not make it in college but perhaps I have a chance in grad studies. I never really reviewed so hard for the entrance exam. I scheduled my review but I kept on postponing it due to my thesis. The day before the test, I actually finished my chapter 5 in thesis. Then I remember even watching MMK while trying to review my notes in my laereview. The exam day came, and I was too excited that I came very early. I was probably the 1st or 2nd to arrive. During the exam I felt that my jaw stiffened. Nevertheless I took the exam. I thought I was doing great but there was a part when I actually had to guess 20 numbers because of the time limit. I toured the school and felt the place. I love to study there. It's a peaceful environment. Classrooms are airconditioned, it has its own Rex, nice landscaping and architecture. Wow. Although I felt unsure about my results because of the 20-question guessing incident.

After that, my jaw hurts. It seems that my TMJ attacks for the first time.

The event that changed my life and my whole status as a student running for honors was our thesis defense. We were pressured the day before because of the candidacy of becoming best. We tried hard to repeat our steps from the previous sem, and tried to make it better. But the day came, and finally, boom. My dreams of being the best were shattered. I wept by myself after getting home. I locked myself in the room only to reflect on things. It was a sad day for me. I already know that I'm no longer the1st among my class. I already knew that I can't be 1st among the batch and my only chance was the class, but then it also vanished. My only chance is the latin. Period. It seems that the aa can't be mine as well, no matter how good I was at calculating my opponents' grades. In the end, I can only get the latin. I envied mk because she has a sure special award. Since then, towards our final class project, I felt myself sliding down to my worst. I got late for a number of times, and I can't even keep my word. I felt like a useless leader. After all the thesis revisions and all the other requirements, we were finally free. Pomp and Circumstance by Elgar seems to be playing in my mind already. But aside from that, other things worried me: my rank/award, and my law school. I want to scratch the law school part because what really worried me was passing specifically in ALS. At that time I was never really serious yet about my SBC application because I was really hoping for ALS. I got my grades but I never dared to ask my opponents about theirs. I didn't want to get disappointed. Somehow, my blink a.k.a. esp abilities worked perfectly. I knew that ba got the aa and mk overtook me. But I still kept on hoping. I kept on praying very hard even though I know it was useless.

March 14 came. I have finally confirmed it. My questions are already answered. Acad and mun diplo awardees were recognized by the President PBL. It was cool to stand on stage and all that, but at the back of my mind I felt so embarassed because I wasn't able to get what I was really hoping for. It's actually a shame to be overtaken by my opponent because of 1 grade. Then a part of me was telling myself, "it's gonna be ok, coz you have a latin and you got in the 10 anyway." I also kept on hoping that despite this shameful outcome I will be able to redeem myself by passing ALS. But I have to wait for weeks for that.

After all the stressful class days, I was able to revive my youthfulness thanks to mi heroina. She was very kind and generous to share all the je dvds. I love jdoramas. 1 liter made me cry. Prodai made me smile. 1 Pound made me laugh. Nobuta, Kurosagi, and Byakkotai, made me love P-chan more. Through all the things she shared I learned a lot of values and life lessons, and I was truly hooked into je fangirling. P and Ryo became my favorites. I felt like being high school again. I also got conscious of all photo ops because of prodai. I have learned to cherish every moment of my life and record them with a smile in pictures. Otherwise, I might regret it in the future. I don't want to regret anything, so I enjoyed my remaining days with my blockmates. All those short moments of joy are priceless to reminisce in the future. I have become sentimental about all these things. Certainly we can't turn back time. So we have to "live like there is no tomorrow." Haha I love the concept of "Hallelujah Chance"!

On my father's bday celeb, my eldest sis also came home for a vacation. Everyone was happy. Everyday was a feast. Everyday was a special day to treasure. I looked back during the times when I felt quite sad when she left. Whew time flies really fast. It has been 2 years already! Now I can face her more maturely than last year when I came to the US to visit her.

Graduating is equal to nostalgia. Before recognition day, I felt sad that college is about to end. I posted pictures in my multiply. I realized how prolific pictures are nowadays especially with the digicams that emerged. I noticed how few my pictures are back in first and second year. My sophomore was probably my downest chapter. Junior was a taking flight zoom chapter. Senior was a oh-no-it's-ending-let's-take-lots-of-pictures-na chapter. 2007 is a travel year for me. From the US to Tagaytay to Batangas to Bataan. Wow.

Graduation practices are fun. I've gotten used to wear a toga in such a short period. I could probably compete with speed in pinning my hood. I was probably an expert in pinning my hood. Haha. I love talking to mi heroina about je. I love going to chowking and jollibee by walking through the gradeschool area and crossing a street with my lunchmates. I love singing for baccmass. Another je thing I've learned: cherish my youth and perform well in everything like singing or dancing.

Graduation day finally came. Thank you very much God! Arigatou gozaimashita! Muchas gracias! Finally! I got a degree! After all the hardships I have been through! It was truly nice to stand up on stage and be proclaimed a graduate, a latin-er, and a 9-er. Haha. I was quite sad that I wasn't able to take pictures as much as I have expected. The dinner at "Japan" was very memorable as well, especially with the je fangirl in me. I love to eat using chopsticks. The bar results came out as well as we switched on the tv in "Japan" and an ALSer came out on top. Somehow it gave me the chills about my results. I have realized that behind my happiness on graduating with the latin, is a worrying applicant. I prayed even harder "onegaishimasu, God".


April 1 came. My father always asked me about the results but I kept on telling him it's not up yet since office hours are in the afternoon. Around 2am I thought there were no results yet. It seems that the results came out on another link. I saw mfl's name but I did not see mine. I scrolled down too fast. I repeated it. And I saw mine. Woooooah! Yatta! I made it! Teary-eyed, I printed the page and relaxed while thanking God with all my heart. I can't believe it! Prayer answered! Yatta! Arigatoooou! I told my middle sis, texted my father, and my mother. We watched Happy Feet. Yipee! Then I realized some signs that God gave me which I ignored because I don't want to get disappointed but now I'm happy to have the signs:

1. my dark blue pawikan shirt (ALS color) which I wore on our grade claiming day
2. my urge to get a TOR and transfer of credentials even though there are still no results
3. my urge to buy a blue fan
4. my father, mother, and sis being excited for the results, and even Mr. Richard from Leyte
5. my nice feeling during the exam day
6. my daydreams about driving to/from ALS
7. bar results on my grad dinner regarding the topnotcher from ALS

I still took my SBC exam. I saw an SSA batchmate, and talked to Bea who also took the test. I was worried about the abstract part. Though I don't really have to worry because I made it to ALS. However, a part of me tells me that it would be a shame not to pass SBC. That same day we got a new cellphone. I totally love it. It's such a cool reward for all my achievements. Maido ari!

By the 10th of April, I enrolled in ALS. Officially an ALS student. The day did not go as I expected. I was late than planned, brown-out, the line is quite long, mfl left for scholarship, became too perspired, quite stupid for the computer process, quite stupid for the library process. I was alone. Nobody really guided me that much. Suddenly I missed the smoothness of the MC process. I went home, still quite in shock, while my eldest sis prepared to go back to the US. SBC results came and thank God I made it. Now I can say I made it to two schools and I had two options. Unlike what happened to me in college when I had no choice but to enter my third choice. Other highlights occurred: family pic taking, first time paraffin-er, haircut, hair spa, new external harddrive, newly reformatted pc.

Next highlight was a shameful experience. I was too naive to respond to a sor's text. I almost attended the dinner. Thank God for my mother and father's hunch. Thank God for mfl's text and advice. My worry now is if they are going to stalk me or if I gave them a reason to be angry or what. Please God, make them leave me alone. I don't want any of those to happen to me ever. I just want to study and graduate and pass the bar with flying colors. I don't want any of those social stuff. We visited ppmall and got culture-shocked with the expensive lifestyle. Nevertheless, I am going to study well so I can maximize my 60grand. I'm both excited and nervous about entering ALS. Excited to enter a prestigious school and finally learn about law, and nervous about my academic chances and well as social standing. The upcoming intro2law class is such a scary thing. I hope I can do it. Aja. Ganbarimasu!

My vacation is nearing it's end. Yet I haven't read and watched the things I have been dying to read and watch. I have been too hooked with fbook and je. But then all I can say is that I am enjoying my all before I enter law school. No summer classes for me. I'm a complete bum. Because once I enter ALS, a lot of things will be sacrificed in the name of my acads, career, finance, and 6ogrand. Until now, only few people know about my ALS. I want to tell them but somehow I am not too confident enough because I'm not sure if I can really survive in it. So I guess I can tell them when I'm done with my sophie year. Just like when I was in college. I only had my friendster after my sophie year.

I have few weeks to go. I miss my friends, I miss MUN, I miss my hs and college classmates. College has ended. I am 20, definitely an adult. But I still want the youthful side of me to remain. Now, I'm about to enter a new world. ALS, here I come. So help me God... Yoroshiku onegaishimasu!


P.S. But before all that, I will still continue to enjoy my youthful je fangirling and my interest in j-stuff.

Holiday Thoughts

It's the holiday season. I am supposed to feel very happy. But when I come to think of it, although I have a lot of time to do things I have always wanted before, I kept on wasting such time throught the internet. In the end, I will feel guilty and regretful that I was not able to spend my time in more fruitful things, such as finishing my book or even my thesis.

It's been quite a while since I last posted here, so I will write about events that recently happened since my last post, as much as I can remember.

After the semestral break, I felt so guilty that I also wasted a lot of time instead of preparing for my lae. Although I have prepared, I can honestly admit that I was not that serious in my review. We had to skip the final review/pre-test so we can join the tbs. I felt quite guilty, but since all four of us skipped it, it was fine with me. By the way, the semester started but I was still in vacation/lae mode. It was a good thing that we had a tbs to look forward to. The event was not bad, but it was not exactly good either. The place was bad, the activities were fine, and the only highlight we had was the 80s night. Became the center of attention because of my dress, but still, what caught my attention and hurt my heart a bit was the fact that BA was still #1. I am only #3. I hate the idea. I am scared actually. I don't like being overpowered.

The test came, it was definitely not easy, but it was not that difficult either. It was just like the upcat. I can say that I did not do well in the essay. So I have already have the idea about the results. Hmm. Time to apply to another school. Speaking of which, I have to get new requirements from the rec ofc. I hate the idea because their service is very slow. I even wept out of frustration because they cannot produce my tor on the agreed date.

The start of the second semester was not that good for me. I really felt I am falling apart. My grades, my rank, my status. Everything is starting to be a waste. The four remaining subjects were not my favorites at all, especially when I come to think about who the professors are. The spanish subject was better, although I already became absent in 1 day because of my own fault: I crammed my book report. I was the worst and most unsuccessful cram in my entire life. I really feel so guilty. The paper was extremely a product of mediocrity by a mediocre person. That day made me feel so bad about everything. I am not at the good favor of that professor yet I blew such a major report. The other favoritist prof was also terrible. I cannot find words to describe the feeling of irritation when she looks at me and tortures me with her favor for BA and MK. I hate them all. The spanish prof is also slowly slipping off my hands already. I am certain that my grades are really terrible. It seems that I really lost my drive for studying. Even the thesis writing experience made me feel so guilty to my tpartner because I did not exert my efforts that well. Everything was a dragging experience. I do not know myself anymore. I have to make it up. I have to rebuild. I have to return. I have to emerge again from the dead. I need this break so I can rejuvenate my strength and skills.

We went to Bataan for a trip, it was tiring and I can say that it did not turn out to be what I expected. The tent experience was cool. But the water and no-bath icky sand experience were not. The death walk was extremely exhausting and a wasteful night because we did not see any laying-egg moments, I can say that my legs are quite stronger and I can walk longer distances from then on. After that, the last day of class was already a rush for me. I really wanted to be free again. I need to recharge.

Yukan Club and Nodame Cantabile are really great experiences for me. Cool dramas/comedies! I am really starting to be obsessed with jdramas because of the jpop stars. Really nice! YC made me feel so cool and rich. NC made me feel so guilty about my px and vx skill statuses. I would love to learn them again and be indulged in a serious classical music endeavour. I don't want to play sloppy anymore. What I need is a new and excellent teacher to help me relearn the two. That way, I won't just waste my talent.

Another concern is my churchgoing. Because of my experience that went wrong in the latter part, I was really down and discouraged about coming back there. I want to go to CrCh already from now on and never come back to CuCh. Comparing the two, I can actually listen and learn better in CrCh than CuCh because of the solemnity and non-political/showbiz environment. In CrCh you do not really need to show off. Everyone is equal. But I also feel that they are already a whole family and no longer need the newbies like me. I am still confused.

Thesis is certainly a downing point for me. Our adviser haven't commented and so we had to pass the uncommented file to our coord. The coord finally returned it with extremely painful comments. I hate it. What is wrong with me? What a sloppy and lousy writing?! Another is the hurtful response of nball because of the connection between ddr and ssr. I hate her. Now our major problem is that we cannot exactly begin writing the 4th without a perfect 3rd and without responses and data from our interviewees. Help us God! I really feel to weak and helpless! I have to produce the best thesis! I have to graduate with fcolors!

My cumpleaños and navidad were very simple this year. Perhaps I am also not in the mood. I always feel like I have lots of jobs to do this break and yet I am really wasting my time. I am too hooked with the facebook, multiply, nodame cantabile, and yukan club. I tried to play the vx yesterday and I was really disappointed with the sloppy hands and memory. The laptop is also going haywire. I am really stressed all over my mind and body. I need help.

The new year is coming. I need to change a lot of things in me.

1. time management, thesis

2. recitation

3. water

4. less time netsurfing

5. read books

6. vx

7. drv

I am so scared God. Help me catch up. I need to get the AA. I want it. I will get it. So help me God. Let your will be done. For now that is my main concern. AA, CL, T10, DL. Next will be law. May God bless me. All things are possible!

"Fukanou kanou de su ru nu ga, Yukan Club de su ka ra."

Feliz Navidad y Feliz Año Nuevo!

Post-Thesis Proposal Defense… Freedom…

I am relieved. I feel free. I am extremely grateful to God. I feel happy.

It seems like yesterday when I last posted here. I remember being troubled by a lot of things like the ranking, subjects, teachers, career, and finally, THESIS.

Yesterday was a critical moment for me. I was really nervous. October 9: Thesis Proposal Defense. It was also the day of our Spanish final exam. Although too late, I also realized that the day is actually my baptism anniversary.

For the past months, my thesis mate and I were really pressured and weak because we do not have a framework yet, and we do not have an adviser yet. Also, our PLDT DSL was so uncooperative.

During those times, many things happened as well in our other subjects, but they are merely blurred images now as I write this. These events include the core course week, Bush41-Bush43 term paper, Spanish shirt, a MAE-audienced toxic waste forum, UPLAE review, non-church-going, reports in IO, Spanish homeworks, de-stressing Theo sessions, and painful dysmenorrhea days. We also had our gradpic (with a toga, filipiniana and my creative: medieval princess). We had our senate trip, I also spoke at the Sofitel event. Due to my busy schedule, I also stopped taking driving lessons with my father. Sundays became LAE review days. No-own-laptop days kept rubbing in (gee, thanks for rubbing it in, AD), as I envy that white neo mini. No-ipod envy also somehow attacks.

All of these were just blurs because we all became clouded with a major concern: THESIS. Everyday, in everything we do, we think of thesis. Anyway, back to my story of the pressured, clueless, and desperate days… We finished the RRL but failed to see any gap. We submitted it just for the sake of submitting it. We had framework-hopping situations, from analysis-of-critical-incidents theory, to constructivist/cognitive dissonance, to actor-network theory, then finally, theory of hegemony. Neo-MCLibrary visits were frequent, as well as until-6pm-dismissal times. We were almost convinced with the cognitive dissonance after the consultation with an ex-neda prof, while being questioned at the data. When we consulted the superstar prof, we were led to another direction. We tried actor-network on ex-neda by Sept 15 but we were disappointed even more with the weakness of the framework. It was a depressing moment, but we had to move on. Pride being hurt, we had to look for another framework. The strategy of our favoritist prof on RRLs is really ineffective. A hate movement is really emerging underground. The pets of this prof are unaffected. After all, they are the pets of a good friend of the favoritist, who is another favoritist. The only difference we have with the pets is that they are the pets and they have an adviser. As for us, we had to do it on our own. We preferred to strengthen our proposal before seeking for an adviser. Unfortunately, the strengthening phase took us long enough, that in the end, after finishing our rough draft, it was only then that we had the courage to seek an adviser. Everything in that draft was not consulted nor approved by any professor. We were desperate with the ex-neda prof. In the end, it was the superstar who saw our potential. Nobody else did. We were grateful. Sept 29 was a roller-coaster ride from down to up. Our hearts were overwhelmed that we were accepted by a superstar. Who needs an ex-neda adviser when we can have a superstar adviser. The goddess adviser also accepted us. Dilemma. But we had to decide and after rationalizing the pros and cons, we really chose the superstar. It was highly applauded by our friends. We realized that we were actually brave enough to ask for the advice of a superstar. Nobody else did. We were encouraged even more. The challenge was we only had a week to seek advice. The superstar, being in Latin America during those times, had to sneak an editing time in her horario. It took her long, but the researchers made it to the deadliest deadline. Although still unsatisfied with the proposal, we really had to defend it. Defense day came, too many revisions, but it was a success. We got a high pass (although the lowest in the high pass level), which nobody else did before us (I don’t know anymore about the succeeding ones). Panelists MJA, GJ/UJ, and IL (goddess) + coor FJ were considerate enough. Still, I am happy. I simply feel relieved. I can’t explain. God simply gave me a wonderful anniversary gift. I realized it only now. I can’t believe that being the last to have a framework, being the most unfrequent consulter, and being one of the last to have an adviser, we actually made it. We got a high pass. The only thing I am worrying about is that the defense is merely 40%. The 60% will only come from the favoritist prof. Deadlines, visibility, and quality RRLs, good writing skills, and PR, are her major indicators. May God just intervene in all the grade decisions. I really did badly in my finals and term paper. I hope the professors are considerate enough to give me a high grade. I hope I will be able to make it again on the list. I hope MK and BA won’t topple me down. Oh God, pls help me.

It does not end with the proposal defense. I still have a lot of things to accomplish.
Thesis proposal revision
Thesis data and writing proper, and defense
UPLAE
Vx skill maintenance
Grade and Ranking maintenance

Hmmm, what else… Indeed lots of things still. It is just the beginning. Although I cannot deny that getting through the proposal stage was a huge relief.

For now, I am relajada. I am also extremely happy and thankful. May God bless me always, now, and forever… So help me God.

Pressure

It is only August and yet I am already stressed. Thesis pressure, term paper pressure, LAE pressure, ranking pressure, prelim pressure.

It has been very stressful since I last posted here.

I am definitely hating FJ every single moment. She is really biased. Her apple of the eye is definitely MK an BA. Also AD. I really am getting depressed every time she puts them in the limelight. This is a great challenge to me. I have to prove her wrong. Not just wrong. Very very wrong. She'll regret every single moment she pulled me down and brought them up instead. She'll see.

Thesis has progressed although I definitely am still confused and lost. We are like looking for a strand of hair in the darkness. FJ is definitely a bad guide. Every time I sense the strand of hair getting nearer, she kept on blowing it up to nothingness.

We finally landed on a thesis topic. Our focus or angle is still flexible. Our framework is still debatable. Our objectives are still tentative. While our methodology is still blank. I hate looking in the darkness. God please help me.

AD is starting to get difficult to work with. I am also disappointed every time she joins the bullygroup. I somehow hate the idea that she is going up while I'm going down.

The Theo groupings definitely stab my heart. Why only the bullygroup wins?!? Grrr. I hate it.

I am so disappointed with what happened in my prelims. I just hope my professors would be considerate enough in grading my paper. I just hope that I somehow made something to boost me up at least a bit higher than MK and BA. I hope I can accept the results well.

My father has been giving me driving lessons for the past weekends. I am definitely learning, while being disappointed that the driving school never taught me a lot of things. I am also happy that I finally got my license (at least even though I am not really good at it yet). Haha due to connections. I took the test and after a while, finally got it. Thanks to the free day/no class declaration (intended for first time voters registration).

We watched the Wanders last August 11 and I am very impressed and delighted to have been granted such privilege to watch it (and free) because of my father. I just hope there will be more shows and more opportunities to watch. I hope to watch more musicals and hopefully, broadway shows like Miss Saigon. I remember my depression and hatred due to having not watched Les Miserables when we were in New York.

Anyway, I ran for office last July, spent some money, and spoke in front of many. I lost anyway. Just by 12 votes. I am happy that I got 111 votes. Haha I actually convinced 110 people due to my so far nice credentials. I actually almost won. Haha. Too bad. Nevertheless, I am very happy I lost because I actually prayed for it. I don't want additional unnecessary responsibilities that would just be a conflict or hindrance to my academic standing. Especially thesis. But still, I regret losing because I am in fact envious of the positions held by MK and BA. I definitely hate the idea that while they are gaining against me already in terms of grades, they actually have more edge over me because they have officer positions. I am really disappointed.

As with the thesis and term paper, I am definitely even more discouraged especially when I see them progressing fast. In contrast, I am definitely sliding back every time.

What is happening to the competitive, brilliant, outstanding, intelligent, smart me? What happened to the top 1? What happened? Oh God I miss my old self. I want my intelligent top student self again. I really need it this time. I want to prove FJ, NAW, MJA, and PE wrong! I want them to finally see my light. A light brighter than MK and BA!

I am dreaming of vx once again. I have this craving to be a virtuoso once again. Too bad what happened on the last episode was quite disappointing. I just wish to get back on it again. I want to perform and impress people. Passion Cachee inspires me.

So far, I have been depressed because it seems that I can't do anything great, impressive, or right anymore. Where is the old me? I miss my old me. I want my old me back. I want to rise up like the resurrected phoenix. I want my old me back. I want it even better.

We had our retreat also last July and it did me no good at all. I felt so friendless and stupid. So depressing.

For the past week, I was definitely grateful because God has given us a break. No classes for 4 days. Wohoo!

Anyway, I hate pldt because we keep on losing our dsl. Goodness gracious.

My hair is getting longer in preparation for grad pic. But I am also getting fatter. My pimples are going back again. About the gradpic I am still out of ideas about my creative shot. Only vx comes to my mind, but I am starting to hesitate because I am not the only one who play vx. I want to be slim badly. Somehow belly dance failed me. Tea is not yet working but I am still hoping it will eventually work. I want to slim down before gradpic taking.

For church ushering ministry, they tasked me to make bookmarks. It was a pleasure serving, although it is starting to be irritating because of the installment method.

A few days from now, I will be starting to attend the review for LAE. I am definitely getting nervous because I am so lost at Math. I am also nervous about the exam because the results might not be pleasant again just like what happened to me 4 years ago in UPCAT. Also in ACET. I am fearing of failing to make my parents proud. What will I do if I did not pass LAE for UP or ALS? Will I still pursue it in SBC or UST or FEU? Will I take it again the following year? Or will I start looking for a good job that would not hurt my pride? What would happen to me after graduation? I want to pass LAE! I want to pass the bar (on 1st take). I want to be a great lawyer. I want to be rich. I'll take FSO and pass it. I want to be a diplomat. I want to be a lawyer and diplomat. I want to be rich and successful.

Now speaking of graduation, it makes me depressed again because I am still at the thesis stage. How I wish I can fast forward time so I can already graduate.

CL - my only chance. I want it. I should get it. Help me God.
AA - my dream. I want it. Please God I want it badly. Give it to me.

Pressure, stress, depression.

I want my old genius, intelligent me.

So help me God.

Senior College

So many things happened since I last posted here.

Before I knew it, vacation was already over.

I took my driving lessons for 7 days. It was quite a disappointment because I haven't perfected the clutch, haven't mastered the gears and the wheels, and I still need a lot of practice on hanging, parking, and maneuvering.

I wasn't able to get my license due to my hectic schedule. Me and my co-MUNFW delegates crammed for the scrapbook and video.

I have been drinking green tea.

I finished PBB Season 2 and Maria Flordeluna.

I finally finished the MUNFW video.

I have been a fan of Koike Teppei and his song Ge Ge Ge no Kitarou, which led me to another addiction-- Vanilla Mood!

Vanilla Mood is really cool!

4th year 1st sem finally began.

So far, Theology has been comforting amongst all my subjects, for all the other subjects really crush us out, especially the major subjects.

My next favorite is Spanish due to my Basic course I took from Languages Internationale. Thank God.

My schedule is really hectic even if it doesn't look like it.

Dean's lister again, this time only #15. Got way way behind MK and BA. I really have to work on catching up and beating them once again just like what I have done in my first year.

I ran for senior council. I will know the results next week. Whatever happens, may God's will be done.

Thesis pressure... I still haven't got a topic! Help me God!

I'm still praying for an LT. If God doesn't will it, then I just hope I can still succeed in my Oplan Rapture without it.

Ushering forever!

The GClock excites me. I feel so Charmed. Hope we won't beg for alms after that.

Law school also stresses me. I hope I can make it in LAE. I hope my parents can still finance my law education.

I want to regain what I have lost since 2nd year! I want to be the same SB NC back in 1st year. I want resurrect my Quezonian blood in me and tap that intelligence and skill once again!

Although the past few weeks of school disappointed me, I am still hoping for a comeback and to succeed in my Oplan Rapture. 1st phase then 2nd phase. I am hoping and praying hard for strength, guidance, and wisdom so I can succeed in both 1st and 2nd phases of Oplan Rapture.

Help me God! I leave it all to you. May your will be done!

Next week is our retreat. Next month is prelims and TBS. Then College Week. Then Finals and Defense. Help me in my subjects and all my extracurricular and curricular work, please God!

May this sem be like my 1st and 2nd sem in 1st year! Or better!

Please God! Have mercy on me! Let your will be done!

Thank you for all the blessings O Lord!

Wonderful Summer 2007

This summer is undeniably one of the most memorable ones I have ever experienced in my entire life. Although I felt some regrets before going outside my native land (because of the fact that I would be missing a lot of episodes of my favorite television programs), I managed to get through the entire separation anxiety process that I feared having before finally going to the U.S.

I am glad that my father actually accompanied me to my first trip abroad. The trip gave me a lot of anxieties especially with that incident I had in Narita. Then the anxiety piled up as I encountered that L.A. immigration officer who seems to be not so familiar with the words of his own language.

April 12, 2007
Arriving in San Francisco was a huge relief because we finally reached the venue of our MUN conference. Touring the SF Downtown was very soothing. SF atmosphere cooled down all my stress during the trip from Manila to SFO. I realized how cool it is to walk downtown, and to get the "feel" of the place.

April 13-17, 2007
The conference, although it is not as stressful as I have imagined, was quite an experience because I realized that nothing will really happen to you if you will not assert yourself. I had to make the first move in everything. Otherwise, they'll just ignore that brown-colored me. The first issue which was supposed to be the second issue, was really a difficult time for me because nobody came to me. I had to go to Russia and add a clause in order to be included as a sponsor. The second issue was better because South Africa came to me. I was able to befriend Spain as well. In the latter part, although I was a sponsor of a resolution, my suggestion didn't make it through. The last issue was more relaxed and cooler. I was one of the sponsors if the shortest resolution ever made. I befriended Nicaragua and Nigeria. Our chair came to us and had a little chat. It was a memorable chat. Really cool to befriend our chair.

April 16, 2007
The diplomatic banquet was not what I expected. Immediately after the dinner, everybody already left. Only Philippines and Nicaragua were left. I gave Nicaragua my souvenir and card but I failed to give mine to others, like the Philippines, Canada, Spain, Nigeria, Peru, Japan, and the Chair. Russia was very snobbish. Peru is a quite a jerk. Philippines was really friendly and cool but I regret not to have the name of the delegate. Zambia was approachable and kind. South Africa was kind, cool, and funny. All my souvenirs were not distributed. So much for making friends. I was glad it was over. I was glad we had the very much desired award.

I learned how to iron my clothes and to limit my food. I felt I was beginning to slim because of the limited food we had (due to my own thriftiness).

Picture taking was really fun but I didn't enjoy much because my family was not with me.

April 17, 2007
As we flew east towards DC, I was really excited. I really had a lot of places in my mind to go to. Museums and historical sites!!!

April 18, 2007
Destination:
Library of Congress


The cold air really began to damage our mood and energy. Dandruff and itchiness due to dry skin began to knock at our doors.

April 19, 2007

Destination:
Philippine Embassy in Washington D.C.
White House
US Capitol
World War II Memorial
Washington Monument

I was really delighted that my father has a great friend to have us experience a ride in a diplomatic car, and a "courtesy call" in the Philippine embassy. Touring DC was limited because we had to be discrete and careful not to be seen by Amores relatives.

April 21, 2007
Destination: Atlantic City, New Jersey

The tour in New Jersey was not bad, although I had to pretend to be 21 because of the legality of gambling. Duh, even though I am already 21 I won't even dare to gamble. Food in the VIP lounges of Borgata-- very sumptuous!

April 22, 2007
Destination: New York City!!! Yey!

New York City was a great experience. Although I regret not having to tour the UN building and to watch the Les Miz, I was glad to get up the Empire State building. I was glad to walk the streets of Manhattan. It was really cool. It was a wonderful feeling. Although a couple really seem to create some annoyance in the entire trip, I can still say NY is great. Philadelphia, Baltimore, and Washington D.C. were great.

But it seems that I left my heart in NY. I promise myself to go back to New York someday. I will go to the Statue of Liberty, inside the UN building, and I will watch a broadway show. I will buy lots of souvenirs other than keychains.

April 25-27, 2007
The remaining days of my stay were fine (thanks to the wonderful Holocaust Museum --the best, and the Lincoln Memorial), but I already felt tired and irritated with all the things happening, and all the annoyances caused by the couple. I wanted to go home. I wanted to say goodbye to DC for a while. I'll be back again soon for all the historical sites and museums that I haven't entered (including the White House, Jefferson Memorial, Arlington Memorial, National Archives, etc). As I left DC/VA, I also left my beloved eldest sister. I will surely miss her and all the fun times we had especially during this particular US trip, but internet and sms are always there. She has to move on first in her life. I wish her the best.

April 28, 2007
Going home was smoother than our trip to the US. I already felt in-charge of my life. I felt free and excited to see my land once again. I wanted to experience the heat and the sweat. I wanted to lose weight and to release all the bad memories and stress.

April 29, 2007
Narita was a great airport. I loved being in Japan (even just in the airport). I simply loved it. I wish I could visit Japan someday. I promise myself to go visit it someday. Narita certainly relieved me of all the stress I had in the US (caused by the freezing atmosphere, the unfortunate events, wasted times, and the annoying couple). I was already in Asia. Asian Pride!

Philippines is the best country. I loved it, I am loving it, and I am going to love it forever. My trip to a foreign land made me love my beloved country even deeper.

Jetlag...

My US trip, especially my plane trips really taught me something aside from sleeping while sitting and aside from watching films on plane... ehem... tea drinking... particularly green tea...

During my jetlag nights, one thing helped me... Hana Yori Dango! Dismayed that I wasn't able to watch the Philippine telecast of Gokusen 2 ending (having watched it only online before leaving for the US), I was determined to patch my heart up with something better... HYD! Yey! Success!

Hana Yori Dango 1 and 2= definitely an improved MG. I still credit MG for its superb impact it gave me when it entered the Filipino television, but watching HYD suddenly gave me this certain realization of the beauty of Japan and the Japanese depiction of a Japanese story. MatsuJun and Inoue Mao certainly gave me a new great feeling. Also, I seem to want to go back to New York and Japan because of HYD... Suddenly I am a new fan of JPop, Arashi/MatsuJun, and JDoramas. My US trip (with a visit in Narita, Japan really inspired me to start loving and being addicted to Japanese stuff...) This really changed my life... Now I am confused between loving Korea and Japan.

Weeks have passed. I got my student permit. I voted. I feel adult. Yet I feel I still have a lot of things to do, learn, and to experience.

A lot of realizations really came to me...

I want to learn how to drive, cook, do martial arts, speak and understand foreign languages (Spanish, Japanese, Korean, Chinese, French, Italian, Russian, Portuguese, etc.), play violin and piano.

I want to travel to Europe, Latin America, and Asia.

I want to be a diplomat. I want to be a lawyer. I want to be an international lawyer.

I am only 19. I am still 19. I am already 19.

I have a lot of things to do. I have a lot of things to learn. I want to achieve them before reaching 35.

So help me God.

Truly, this summer is a learning experience. I got to know myself better. I got to realize more things.

Aja aja!