Holiday Thoughts

It's the holiday season. I am supposed to feel very happy. But when I come to think of it, although I have a lot of time to do things I have always wanted before, I kept on wasting such time throught the internet. In the end, I will feel guilty and regretful that I was not able to spend my time in more fruitful things, such as finishing my book or even my thesis.

It's been quite a while since I last posted here, so I will write about events that recently happened since my last post, as much as I can remember.

After the semestral break, I felt so guilty that I also wasted a lot of time instead of preparing for my lae. Although I have prepared, I can honestly admit that I was not that serious in my review. We had to skip the final review/pre-test so we can join the tbs. I felt quite guilty, but since all four of us skipped it, it was fine with me. By the way, the semester started but I was still in vacation/lae mode. It was a good thing that we had a tbs to look forward to. The event was not bad, but it was not exactly good either. The place was bad, the activities were fine, and the only highlight we had was the 80s night. Became the center of attention because of my dress, but still, what caught my attention and hurt my heart a bit was the fact that BA was still #1. I am only #3. I hate the idea. I am scared actually. I don't like being overpowered.

The test came, it was definitely not easy, but it was not that difficult either. It was just like the upcat. I can say that I did not do well in the essay. So I have already have the idea about the results. Hmm. Time to apply to another school. Speaking of which, I have to get new requirements from the rec ofc. I hate the idea because their service is very slow. I even wept out of frustration because they cannot produce my tor on the agreed date.

The start of the second semester was not that good for me. I really felt I am falling apart. My grades, my rank, my status. Everything is starting to be a waste. The four remaining subjects were not my favorites at all, especially when I come to think about who the professors are. The spanish subject was better, although I already became absent in 1 day because of my own fault: I crammed my book report. I was the worst and most unsuccessful cram in my entire life. I really feel so guilty. The paper was extremely a product of mediocrity by a mediocre person. That day made me feel so bad about everything. I am not at the good favor of that professor yet I blew such a major report. The other favoritist prof was also terrible. I cannot find words to describe the feeling of irritation when she looks at me and tortures me with her favor for BA and MK. I hate them all. The spanish prof is also slowly slipping off my hands already. I am certain that my grades are really terrible. It seems that I really lost my drive for studying. Even the thesis writing experience made me feel so guilty to my tpartner because I did not exert my efforts that well. Everything was a dragging experience. I do not know myself anymore. I have to make it up. I have to rebuild. I have to return. I have to emerge again from the dead. I need this break so I can rejuvenate my strength and skills.

We went to Bataan for a trip, it was tiring and I can say that it did not turn out to be what I expected. The tent experience was cool. But the water and no-bath icky sand experience were not. The death walk was extremely exhausting and a wasteful night because we did not see any laying-egg moments, I can say that my legs are quite stronger and I can walk longer distances from then on. After that, the last day of class was already a rush for me. I really wanted to be free again. I need to recharge.

Yukan Club and Nodame Cantabile are really great experiences for me. Cool dramas/comedies! I am really starting to be obsessed with jdramas because of the jpop stars. Really nice! YC made me feel so cool and rich. NC made me feel so guilty about my px and vx skill statuses. I would love to learn them again and be indulged in a serious classical music endeavour. I don't want to play sloppy anymore. What I need is a new and excellent teacher to help me relearn the two. That way, I won't just waste my talent.

Another concern is my churchgoing. Because of my experience that went wrong in the latter part, I was really down and discouraged about coming back there. I want to go to CrCh already from now on and never come back to CuCh. Comparing the two, I can actually listen and learn better in CrCh than CuCh because of the solemnity and non-political/showbiz environment. In CrCh you do not really need to show off. Everyone is equal. But I also feel that they are already a whole family and no longer need the newbies like me. I am still confused.

Thesis is certainly a downing point for me. Our adviser haven't commented and so we had to pass the uncommented file to our coord. The coord finally returned it with extremely painful comments. I hate it. What is wrong with me? What a sloppy and lousy writing?! Another is the hurtful response of nball because of the connection between ddr and ssr. I hate her. Now our major problem is that we cannot exactly begin writing the 4th without a perfect 3rd and without responses and data from our interviewees. Help us God! I really feel to weak and helpless! I have to produce the best thesis! I have to graduate with fcolors!

My cumpleaños and navidad were very simple this year. Perhaps I am also not in the mood. I always feel like I have lots of jobs to do this break and yet I am really wasting my time. I am too hooked with the facebook, multiply, nodame cantabile, and yukan club. I tried to play the vx yesterday and I was really disappointed with the sloppy hands and memory. The laptop is also going haywire. I am really stressed all over my mind and body. I need help.

The new year is coming. I need to change a lot of things in me.

1. time management, thesis

2. recitation

3. water

4. less time netsurfing

5. read books

6. vx

7. drv

I am so scared God. Help me catch up. I need to get the AA. I want it. I will get it. So help me God. Let your will be done. For now that is my main concern. AA, CL, T10, DL. Next will be law. May God bless me. All things are possible!

"Fukanou kanou de su ru nu ga, Yukan Club de su ka ra."

Feliz Navidad y Feliz Año Nuevo!